The Origin of the Karaoke Species - A Scientific Study

Since the inspiration for the title of this blog is the fact that we, as a group, stand under the stairs to watch karaoke on Tuesday nights, it is only fitting that my first post will be about karaoke.

Before I rant, I would like to explain some things about good karaoke. For me, there are actually two different species of good karaoke artists. The most obvious species is someone with vocal talent wowing us with their prowess (Karaokus Regina). I give these people a lot of leeway with their song choice because even if they decide to sing a Viking Funeral Dirge, they are still going to raise the roof. The other species is someone who is not so good but is in on the joke (Karaokus Tonus Sarcasticus). They typically pick songs with crowd participation which will mask their inadequacies (i.e. I fall into this category, which is why I always sing Cher's Dark Lady *clap*clap*). However, when karaoke truly goes bad is when someone exhibits either of these species traits with enough ego and hubris to make Dick Cheney blush.

This subspecies of karaoke singer falls into the genetic dead end known as Karaoke Masturbation (Karaokus Masturbatorio). In other words, these individuals use their talents (or lack thereof) for their own self gratification. Karaokus Regina Masturbatorio is the most heinous example of bad karaoke. Even though they could pick almost any song in the book, they choose to sing the songs that are only going to inflate their egos further. You know what songs I am talking about: Oleta Adam's Get Here, the Sarah McLachlan songbook (Building a Mystery and Angel), Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You, the entire Josh Groban oeuvre, anything by Mariah Carey (pre-hip hop hoochie makeover), and Celine Dion (specifically My Heart Will Go On and All By Myself). Of course, this species can sing these songs very well, but because their ego is getting in the way, they are blind to the fact that they are making the audience slit their collective wrists.

One step up from the previous species is Karaokus Tonus Deaficus Masturbatorio. These poor souls cannot carry a tune in a dump truck, but for some unknown reason, they are compelled to bring their, uh, talents to the karaoke stage. In all cases, they are unaware of how truly horrendous they are because they obviously either have no (honest) friends or the superb acoustics in their cars and showers have tricked their aural senses. Sometimes these people can be seen auditioning for American Idol. The only reason this species is a step up from Karaokus Regina Masturbatorio is the ample opportunity they provide for mocking by the Mean Girls Under the Stairs.

Karaoke is supposed to be fun, and the traits exhibited by Karaokus Masturbatorio threaten the enjoyment of everyone. When you see this species in the wild, please refrain from provoking them, and if a member of your clan is one, please, be a friend and discourage them!